The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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