I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
