When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
