i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
