dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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