it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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