I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Boobs are out for the taking
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
