Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
