Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
