:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
