i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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