Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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