My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
