I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
