Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
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Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes