i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?