If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Even my vagina gasped.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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