I hope mine doesn't look like that
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
