....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
