I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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