dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
