Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
