I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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