The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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