Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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