I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
