I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
