there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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