I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
