I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
