you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
