After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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