I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
