Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
