I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
