there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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