Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
