Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
