Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
