dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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