Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
