I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
