My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
