whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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