I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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