Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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