I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
