I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
