Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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