Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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