Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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