how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My vagina just clenched in fear
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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