So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
