saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
