Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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