I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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