if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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