Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
