U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i dont even know how to be here
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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