is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
