you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
